http://www.instantrimshot.com/adisize wrote:man: doctor doctor I keep seeing cows everywhere
doctor: have you seen a psychiatrist?
man: no just cows.
Two unemployed Irishmen walking along the street
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Link to the Secret Ninja Sessions community ustream channel - info in this thread
Please read and follow this sub-forum's specific rules listed HERE, as well as our sitewide rules listed HERE.
Link to the Secret Ninja Sessions community ustream channel - info in this thread
http://twitter.com/CadmarHuxtable
*grand* wrote:Taekwondo... aye... It's my profession.
So there was a tap on the door this morning..... our plumber has a fucking weird sense of humour.
Meus equus tuo altior est
"Let me eat when I'm hungry, let me drink when I'm dry.
Give me dollars when I'm hard up, religion when I die."
"Let me eat when I'm hungry, let me drink when I'm dry.
Give me dollars when I'm hard up, religion when I die."
nowaysj wrote:I wholeheartedly believe that Michael Brown's mother and father killed him.
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still had not paid for them. Now just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllllooooo??? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He did not call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!!
Why did the principal fire the cross-eyed teacher?
Because he couldn't control his pupils
After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.
"Great food, no atmosphere."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still had not paid for them. Now just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllllooooo??? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He did not call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!!
Why did the principal fire the cross-eyed teacher?
Because he couldn't control his pupils
After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.
"Great food, no atmosphere."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A couple of Tennessee hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?.....
......a stick
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??
A snooker table.
I dated a girl who was a magician. She put her hand on my lap and I turned into a motel!
What is long, brown and runs around the garden??
A fence.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"
"No I'm a frayed knot!"
Did you hear about Bush's mission to the sun?
How you ask?
They plan to go at night.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.
This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :
"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."
"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"
Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me."
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?.....
......a stick
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??
A snooker table.
I dated a girl who was a magician. She put her hand on my lap and I turned into a motel!
What is long, brown and runs around the garden??
A fence.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"
"No I'm a frayed knot!"
Did you hear about Bush's mission to the sun?
How you ask?
They plan to go at night.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Man walks into a bar with his ostrich. They sit down at the bar, and the man orders a beer. The bartender asks the ostrich "what'll you have ?" to which it replies "whatever he's having". They down their drinks and the bartender tells the man "that'll be a dollar and fifty eight, sir". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change - without even looking - pays the barman, and leaves with his ostrich.
This same thing happens every day for the next few days, and the bartender is curious as hell. So he asks the man to tell all. This is what the guy says :
"One day, I found this little lamp, which I rubbed, and out came a genie and granted me 2 wishes. My first wish was that whenever I had to pay for anything, I'd just have to reach in my pocket, and the right amount would be there."
"Why, that's brilliant", says the bartender. "Most people would ask for unlimited wealth, but you get the same deal without all the hassle. And what was your second wish ?"
Replies the man, with a frown, " I asked for a tall chick, with long legs, that would always agree with me."
Knock knock
Who's there?
Little boy blue
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson
A group of attorneys had to measure the length of a flagpole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measuremen to one of the attorneys and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length."
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
a piiig
Who's there?
Little boy blue
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson
A group of attorneys had to measure the length of a flagpole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measuremen to one of the attorneys and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length."
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
a piiig
-
devonport_steppas
- Posts: 158
- Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:23 am
- Location: Funky Town (NZL)>>(LDN)>>(FR)
It's bin day, and a chinese bloke has forgotten to put his bins out, so the binman knocks on his door.
"Excuse me mate, where's your bin?"
"Oh, i bin watchin TV"
"Nah mate, where's your BIN?"
"I bin watchin TV!"
"Nah mate nah mate listen, where's your DUST bin?"
"I dust bin watching TV i told you alweady!"
"oh ffs, NO MATE LISTEN! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELY BIN!!??"
"Oh, I wheely bin upstairs havin a wank."
"Excuse me mate, where's your bin?"
"Oh, i bin watchin TV"
"Nah mate, where's your BIN?"
"I bin watchin TV!"
"Nah mate nah mate listen, where's your DUST bin?"
"I dust bin watching TV i told you alweady!"
"oh ffs, NO MATE LISTEN! WHERE'S YOUR WHEELY BIN!!??"
"Oh, I wheely bin upstairs havin a wank."
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