jokes you remember from being a kid

alfie · Post by **alfie** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:39 pm

did anyone else have the skill/african bum disease joke doing the rounds?

ov3rdos3 · Post by **ov3rdos3** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:42 am

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stoggenhof.

lil-tee · Post by **lil-tee** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:27 am

Three balloons
. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and dicides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you're mummy down, and you're self down too.

So, so bad.

djelements · Post by **djelements** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:28 am

lil-tee wrote:Three balloons
. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and dicides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you're mummy down, and you're self down too.

So, so bad.

Fucking awful.

lil-tee · Post by **lil-tee** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:32 am

DJelements wrote:
lil-tee wrote:Three balloons
. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and dicides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you're mummy down, and you're self down too.

So, so bad.
Fucking awful.

i was deprived of good jokes as a child

magma · Post by **magma** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:43 am

Ov3rdos3 wrote:What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stoggenhof.

Beef Strokinoff?

unfold · Post by **unfold** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:44 am

A Newcastle lass goes to the doctors

Lass: Doctor me fanny reeks of coconut
Doctor: well it's bounty

Boom Boom!

kins83 · Post by **kins83** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:52 am

bright maroon wrote:back in medieval times..there was a king and he was about to go on a year long war campaign and he didn't want anyone messing with his lady - so he went to his magicaian jack of all trades dude and had him create a chastity belt - this chastity belt was a new style as it had a large hole right where it should be covering stuff up - but the magician guy takes a stick and puts it through the hole and a miniature guillitine blade appears like and snaps the twig in half...

Kings like alright then and prepares to leave and tells his best mate - head of the castle guards that it is his primary duty to look after the queen and to report on any shady activities that may occur and then he leaves...

A year later he returns to the castle and summons the head of the guards to ask how things were with the queen and the guard just stands there in silence.

It's the way you tell 'em!

faust.dtc · Post by **faust.dtc** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:55 am

Lol I remember a lot of these jokes from school, especially the ABC one. I hadnt heard the 'Fuck off, manners and Shit' one in years. Tha was my first introduction to swearing.

I remember people used to say 'would you like a BMW' and if you said yes they would say 'haha you want a Black Mans Willy'. That also got twisted to WMB, White Mans Bum...

kins83 · Post by **kins83** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:56 am

lil-tee wrote:Three balloons
. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and dicides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you're mummy down, and you're self down too.

So, so bad.

Big fan of that joke.

ov3rdos3 · Post by **ov3rdos3** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 9:53 pm

This is is pretty bad.

A family of 4 are walking along the cliffs of Dover. A mom, a dad, their 4 year old daughter and their 6 year old son.

Anyways, the are all walking really close to the edge and the mom and dad slip and fuck off down the cliff and smash on the rocks below. Obviously its a bloody mess and the distraught kids are left screaming and crying at the top of the cliff.

An old man walking past hears them screaming and quickly runs up to them and asks them "Whats wrong kids!?" and the children sobbed "Our parents fell down the cliff and they are dead! Our parents are dead!!.

The old man unzips his trousers and says "Its not your fucking day today is it?"

B_90 · Post by **B_90** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:11 pm

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head

Dougless

How does a french person ask for a croissant?

Je voudrais un croissant s'il vous plait

a man walks into a trumpet.

wa waaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Rabbit goes into a DIY store.
"have you got any carrots?"
"err . . . no were a DIY store!"
"oh ok"
Next day...
"Can i have a carrot please!"
"i told you yesterday were a DIY store now hop off, and if you ask again ill nail your paws to the counter!"
Next Day....
"Hi im wandering if youve got some nails in stock?"
"weve just ran out im afraid!"
"oh in that case, Can I have a Carrot Please!"

How much sex does a priest get?

Nun

DOOMTROOPER/T40 · Post by **DOOMTROOPER/T40** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:41 pm

"Why did the chicken cross the road?

-To get to the other side.

Why did he want to get to the other side?

-To go to the pub.

Why did he go to the pub?

-To go to the toilets.

Why did he go to the toilets....?

-COS THAT'S WHERE ALL THE COCKS HANG OUT."

LOL i remember my mate tellin me that when i was just a young lad, cracked me up at the time.

got him to tell it like 7 times

abs · Post by **abs** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:27 pm

Lowpass wrote:3 kids named "shit" "fuck off" & "manners"

They go to the playground, shit and manners go on the slide but shit falls and hurts himself so manners goes to help him up.

Fuck off is walking passed a policeman, and being the gentlemen he is ask's who the kid is. He replies with a "fuck off". Startled the policeman asks "my my child where are your manners"

"Round the corner picking up shit"

First joke I can remember, it's also not that funny when you get over the novelty of "bad" words

i share the exact same story with that joke, it's a timeless classic..

Lurka · Post by **Lurka** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:13 pm

alfie wrote:did anyone else have the skill/african bum disease joke doing the rounds?

yes! ahhahaha i stilll rock this one occasionally and no one gets it

magma · Post by **magma** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:24 pm

Abs wrote:
Lowpass wrote:3 kids named "shit" "fuck off" & "manners"

They go to the playground, shit and manners go on the slide but shit falls and hurts himself so manners goes to help him up.

Fuck off is walking passed a policeman, and being the gentlemen he is ask's who the kid is. He replies with a "fuck off". Startled the policeman asks "my my child where are your manners"

"Round the corner picking up shit"

First joke I can remember, it's also not that funny when you get over the novelty of "bad" words
i share the exact same story with that joke, it's a timeless classic..

THIS JOKE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SWEAR

It should be preserved for future generations in the Museum of Childhood in Bethnal Green.

Ham · Post by **Ham** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:55 pm

Ov3rdos3 wrote:This is is pretty bad.

A family of 4 are walking along the cliffs of Dover. A mom, a dad, their 4 year old daughter and their 6 year old son.

Anyways, the are all walking really close to the edge and the mom and dad slip and fuck off down the cliff and smash on the rocks below. Obviously its a bloody mess and the distraught kids are left screaming and crying at the top of the cliff.

An old man walking past hears them screaming and quickly runs up to them and asks them "Whats wrong kids!?" and the children sobbed "Our parents fell down the cliff and they are dead! Our parents are dead!!.

The old man unzips his trousers and says "Its not your fucking day today is it?"

OH MY GOD HAHAHAH! That is not how i expected that joke to end.

Epic... absolutly fucking epic.

zephhh · Post by **zephhh** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:55 pm

Ov3rdos3 wrote:This is is pretty bad.

A family of 4 are walking along the cliffs of Dover. A mom, a dad, their 4 year old daughter and their 6 year old son.

Anyways, the are all walking really close to the edge and the mom and dad slip and fuck off down the cliff and smash on the rocks below. Obviously its a bloody mess and the distraught kids are left screaming and crying at the top of the cliff.

An old man walking past hears them screaming and quickly runs up to them and asks them "Whats wrong kids!?" and the children sobbed "Our parents fell down the cliff and they are dead! Our parents are dead!!.

The old man unzips his trousers and says "Its not your fucking day today is it?"

holy moses

this one is real bad

have also one..

...a paedophiliac walk with a little child in the forest. suddenly the child says:"mister, mister, I have fear" the man returns: "YOU have fear?Imagine, I must walk alone out of this forest

hope it is right translated

miscreant · Post by **miscreant** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:04 pm

zepH! wrote:
Ov3rdos3 wrote:This is is pretty bad.

A family of 4 are walking along the cliffs of Dover. A mom, a dad, their 4 year old daughter and their 6 year old son.

Anyways, the are all walking really close to the edge and the mom and dad slip and fuck off down the cliff and smash on the rocks below. Obviously its a bloody mess and the distraught kids are left screaming and crying at the top of the cliff.

An old man walking past hears them screaming and quickly runs up to them and asks them "Whats wrong kids!?" and the children sobbed "Our parents fell down the cliff and they are dead! Our parents are dead!!.

The old man unzips his trousers and says "Its not your fucking day today is it?"

holy moses this one is real bad have also one..

...a paedophiliac walk with a little child in the forest. suddenly the child says:"mister, mister, I have fear" the man returns: "YOU have fear?Imagine, I must walk alone out of this forest

hope it is right translated

Nearly there mate lol. We've got our own version of it yeah!

dr ddd · Post by **dr ddd** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:09 pm

My nan used to say:

If wit were shit, you'd be constipated

jokes you remember from being a kid

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