Fuckwit thread

[firky]

Post your fuck-wittedness here:

Today I used phosphoric acid to clean off the carbon deposits and rust off the brake discs on the Land Rover. Wheels now look brand new, rubber tyres and alloy wheels were also cleaned with the same stuff. My hands are fucked however, all dry and cracked with soft finger nails. Should have worn gloves

[christophera]

i had a possum or something living in the crawlspace above me and had poked holes in the ceiling to try to stab it with pieces of metal. the fucker was driving me crazy though and at one point i decided to torch the fucker so i got a can of spraypaint and sprayed it all into one of the little holes and ALMOST torched it before i realized what the fuck i was about to do

[crackf]

ate a jew once

[Sheff]

once drank 58 cans of cappucino coke in 4 days

[knell]

one time i made tomato soup with milk, and it boiled over onto the stove, so i took the pot off and almost grabbed the extremely hot wrought iron part that holds the pot above the gas flame with my bare hands so i could clean underneath it before my girlfriend told me to stop

[firky]

i had a possum or something living in the crawlspace above me and had poked holes in the ceiling to try to stab it with pieces of metal. the fucker was driving me crazy though and at one point i decided to torch the fucker so i got a can of spraypaint and sprayed it all into one of the little holes and ALMOST torched it before i realized what the fuck i was about to do

[noam]

when i was about 14-15 i was chasing a moth round my room tryin to catch it with my hands, it flew over and landed on my window and i punched straight through it...

i've also lit up a cigarette in a petrol station - proper heart-stopper that one

[christophera]

one time when firing pottery in an outdoor kiln i grabbed one of the white hot bricks

[therzbm]

i've also lit up a cigarette in a petrol station - proper heart-stopper that one

my mate i worked with always seemed to spark up 10 seconds before i pulled into a petrol station, and then instead of putting it out would close the windows and hold it lit until i had finished filling and left. i always got annoyed cause i guess the people who work at the petrol station would go mad if they saw you and refuse to serve you or some shit.

[Motorway to Roswell]

I was stoned and went for a piss in the local cricket ground one night. My mates walked on and I tried to take a short cut to catch them up.

I got to a locked gate, climbed a 10ft, or so, high pillar, stood on top and jumped as high as I could over a spiked fence about 11ft to the ground.

As I dropped, I caught my coat on the fence and nearly wrenched my arm out of its socket and then landed very hard on my feet. Fucking caned. I ripped all my coat and had trouble moving my arm for a while after that.

[budsteq]

in my house we have a sunroom that has a glass sliding door to it. the door is never closed.
The other day, I thought "fuck, it looks smoky in there!", so I leaned in to take a closer look and smacked my head extremely hard on the glass door -.-

[nowaysj]

A few years ago, I missed dinner the night before, woke up starving, the only food I had in the house was spaghetti, so I made spaghetti at 8 in the morning. I was straining it and the strainer slipped and I dropped the spaghetti into the sink. I was so hungry I instinctively just grabbed the spaghetti. Turns out that shit is boiling hot. I remember looking at my hands with all this spaghetti slithering around just wondering why my hands were burning. I was so tired it took me a long time to figure out wtf was going on.

[hasezwei]

i decided to stay up the night so i can tidy up the house before my mom comes back from hospital without the lingering fear of not waking up and losing my job. now i'm tired as fuck, look like a zombie and the house still looks like shit.

i also once went drinking after a 12 hour night shift, we left the pub at 4pm and i had to work at 10pm again so i stayed up, worked that second 12 hour shift while constantly drinking red bull and vodka to keep me going, then i went to my back then girlfriends' place and fell asleep while she gave me a bj. she got so pissed i had to walk back home, i was glad she at least gave me time to get dressed before i had to leave. we broke up a couple days later

oh and trying to climb a metal gate drunk while it rains, falling down ass-first onto a railing literally almost breaking my butt. i couldnt really sit for a week.

[budsteq]

your ex girlfriend is a tnuc bro.

[hasezwei]

your ex girlfriend is a tnuc bro.

naw actually i feel like the tnuc in that case but thats another story that doesnt belong in this thread

just remembered another case of fuckwitness...
when me and some buddies were tripping on some cough medicine i threw up on my shoes and insisted on cleaning them up with my tshirt. they tried to stop me but i started shouting at them which drew the attention of the people nearby so they let me do it. as it was a hot summer day i had a full-body sunburn the next day.

[nowaysj]

Okay just recalled one, was drunk with some friends, ended up on this outdoor sculpture with this chick, she was having trouble getting down, so I went superman picked her up and jumped off. Holding another full grown human really changes your center of gravity in free fall. Managed to land on my feet but hyper-extended both of my knees, fell forward, still cradling this lady, landed on my elbows on the concrete. Total fuckwit.

Fucking young buck, was ready to go back at it the next day.

[Ennayess]

I've been a fuckwit most of my adult life but what i am cringing over just now is this weekend just passed. I missed work on friday as i got really drunk on thursday night when i was djing (pots and pans doesn't even cut it). So i woke up about 11 and phoned my mate to meet me in the local for a burger and a pint. Burger was shite, pint turned into fuck knows how many??? Cant remember much till about 10pm when i went to see a mate playing in another bar. Got chucked out for being a drunkerd.
Went to the club i dj at made a tit out myself some more.
Went back to a party and took some acid.
Fell asleep.
Woke up tripping with no trousers or boxers on.
Tried to backflip off a small stool on to the ground.
Landed head first making a hole in the floor.
Mates nae happy.
Started fighting with his Mrs.
Put her through a shower door.
Mates nae happy.
She kicked the fuck out of me and stubbed cigarettes out all over my body
I'm nae happy.
Been in bed til this morning and have come in to work like a scabby hobo.

[nowaysj]

Okay bro, you're winning this one.

[hasezwei]

I've been a fuckwit most of my adult life but what i am cringing over just now is this weekend just passed. I missed work on friday as i got really drunk on thursday night when i was djing (pots and pans doesn't even cut it). So i woke up about 11 and phoned my mate to meet me in the local for a burger and a pint. Burger was shite, pint turned into fuck knows how many??? Cant remember much till about 10pm when i went to see a mate playing in another bar. Got chucked out for being a drunkerd.
Went to the club i dj at made a tit out myself some more.
Went back to a party and took some acid.
Fell asleep.
Woke up tripping with no trousers or boxers on.
Tried to backflip off a small stool on to the ground.
Landed head first making a hole in the floor.
Mates nae happy.
Started fighting with his Mrs.
Put her through a shower door.
Mates nae happy.
She kicked the fuck out of me and stubbed cigarettes out all over my body
I'm nae happy.
Been in bed til this morning and have come in to work like a scabby hobo.

fuck

[wub]

Tried to seperate frozen burgers with a knife whilst pissed. Spent 6hrs in casualty as a result. Still have the scar.