can we be happy when the people we love aren't?

[dub]

sorry for the depressing tone of this post, this is a friendly forum, i would like to know what others feel about this subject..
before i moved to london bout 2 months ago, my folks were going through some heavy shit, now i arrive in london, my mother is really depressed, like really fuckin depressed...my dad is too busy to care for her, and he wants a divorce, her job is going to shit, and she has little friends who care about her.
I decided to move away cos at this time in my life i have my own issues and thought that i should not be part of my parents issues, now that i'm here, i would give anything to be back home to give my mom support.

today I get an email
"Hi, Just want to tell you that Dusty - my fluffy cat was run over and killed last night. I just added it to a long list of "can it get any worse" and now your dad and i are both trying to cope with deep loss"
that cat meant the world to my mom, it used to always sleep with her, and chill with her when shit was bad that cat would always love her.. my mom is loosing it, i don't know what to do, i can't just keep on trying to be happy myself when people i know are going through a lot worse shit...when you have the ability to give some of your energy away to help others, when u know u can help others, to your own detriment, what would u do? for the sake of my mothers sanity, i wouldn't think twice of getting on a plane and going back home, but that would mean giving up hope on my own happiness... i can't just not care, what the fuck should i do?

[d-T-r]

yeah man this ones tough. something im constantly thinking about. more on a global /humanity level. we gotta look after ourself but surely it should be our moral obligation to look after and help those that need it. sad thing is most people see this as a heavy duty or burden.
self-greed makes us rationalize our behavior. we only like dealing with out own problems cos others peoples problems don't appear to be directly affecting us. only they always are, at least indirectly.
true happiness arrives in the form of wanting others to feel happy. we're all in this shit together. the more we embrace technology, the more we adopt its characteristics and create more distance in between us. material wealth seems to dictate the flow of life as we start letting these material things define us. not to sound like a new age hippy tnuc but we need to start being people again. this world isnt perfect. 'you are the change you wish to seek'

anyway, i would say if she needs help, and you can offer that help, then theres no reason why you shouldn't. you only regret the things you dont do.
i hope it will, and im sure it'll all turn out sweet anyway. keep on progressing

[contakt]

Okay, this doesn't seem emo bollocks so I’ll give my tuppence.

It seems from your post that your main concern is your mum and her mental health.

A second, equally important issue is how you have progressed with living in London. Have you got a thing going? Do you now have roots? If you left, would that end the London plan for you for ever?

The two issues above are the only things you should consider. It is a matter of balancing them out against each other and making a decision.

So – if you are seriously worried about your mum (try to close off emotion as much as you can and read how desperate she really is), this might outweigh any roots you have put down in London and the hassle of moving your life back home.

If you are worried about your mum, but think she’ll pull through with you offering as much support from London through phone, letters, email etc, then it may be that on balance, it is better for you to stay here if you have got a thing going and it would compromise your future if you left.

Between these two scenarios, there are lots of variations.

Remember – the last thing your mum needs is feelings of guilt about you messing up opportunities for yourself on her account - unless of course, she REALLY does need you there.

When all's said, you’ve got to try and make a rational decision as unclouded by emotion as possible. Tough. I hope it works out for you and good luck.

[dub]

thank you for your replies.
problem is at this stage i think im more worried about my own sanity.. now more than ever i should be helping those in need, but also now more than ever i shouldn't.
Contakt, I think you are very right. If I was to give up on my plan, would that actually be a good thing for my mom and i? London has been good to me, i have made roots here, i have a good job, and have friend with good hearts. i've also cut back on a lot of very bad old habbits. I know my mom wouldn't be happy knowing that i've given up on this.

At the same time, I know that all my mom needs at this stage in her life is the love i can give her. She really needs help, i think she may even be suicidal, and nothing gets better for her. Emails and phone calls only makes her more depressed, what she needs is an honest energy that truly cares about her, i know if i was there to give her a hug when she is sad, that would be enough for her to get through this. there is no one to give her that hug right now. If she had someone who actually gave a shit about her, then I wouldn't be worried. This is the fucked up world we live in, when such a good person like my mom can give away all her energy to others, and never have it returned. The world we live in is so fucking selfish.
I need to be rational, i need to weigh it up, although i feel like im loosing it a bit myself. I think what i will do is wait a bit longer, and hope that things get better. If things don't get better for her, I will leave. But for now, i don't think I have the ability to be happy, i donno how anyone with the slightest conscience could knowing this.
I don't like to disrespect my dad for what he has done for me, but right now i'm feeling he can fuck off and do what he needs to do, cos he's not bothered, and then i will go and support my mom. Until then, i try send some good energy to someone so far away. life goes on. bleh, what a mad fucking place

[shonky]

Does she not have good friends up there that can help her out? Might be worth getting in touch with them and telling them about your concerns, they might be completely unaware she's not well.

[__________]

dunno what to do, but when your mum is involved you have to do the right thing. you gotta be there for her even if you're not there physically...other than that, good luck

[amykamala]

can you not simply go visit your mum and then come back to london ? use some sick/vacation time at your job, family emergency.

while you are not physically with her there are still ways you can help support her and fill her life with positive energy. you can send her a card, send her flowers, write her letters, draw her pictures, send her a teddy bear, and just plain old send her white light and love with your thoughts and energy towards her. even when you are not physically with someone this person is still connected to and effected by you.

so sorry to hear about the kitty. Losing a pet this way can be very traumatizing. Sometimes we get stuck in a negative cycle of thinking, and then our negative thinking manifests more negativity in our lives, and causes us to think even more negatively, and the cycle continues. this very thing happened to me recently. When my cat was killed there was not a soul on this planet who was there for me. i had never felt so alone or been so miserable in my life. i made cute depressing art about it. Sometimes we just have to ride out the pain we feel until things transform, because things do transform. Your mother will pull through it.

[delendi]

is moving your mum over to london out of the question? i know it sounds a bit nextra... and u probably moved here to kinda stand on your own two and not be with your parents n stuff... but maybe a whole new life would be as good for her as it would for u? i mean especially if her job is going shit at the moment.

[soldjaaa_chik]

hey,

first of all, how are you feeling yourself?

Dont focus ALL your attention on ur mum, you need to have some focus on YOU to..because if you dont focus on you, then you will get caught up with how your mum feels and it will mess you up, then what use are you to your mum or yourself babe?

You need to try and stay positive think positive thinks...try and put that positive energy onto your mum all that you can, but give yourself a break aswell.

You need to speak with your Dad, tell him how you feel and talk to him about your mum and how he is and you know, maybe all three of you have a conversation? But remember if that does happen, dont get CAUGHT UP IN IT. Let them speak dont feel you have to sort their problems out.

Your Mum needs to speak to someone higher up, like a phsycologist. SPEAKING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL MINIMIZE IT. its not good talking to you or alot or you feeling its in ur hands you have to help them, because like i said it wont help you keep your sanity.


Now with work, is "work"..something the goverment say we have to do more important them maintaining a family or your mums sanity. IF FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. they may even support you if you talk to them, aswell.


THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. something will happen in the future, either good or bad. you,your mum, your dad you all determin that future, in this case more so your mum, she can determin how she wants her future to be. She wont want it to be how it is now,right? Tell her this, and say you no its hard, but lets make a change NOW before it gets more out of hand.


Dont baby her, be there for her, witch im sure your doing.

She needs alot of love around her and she needs to keep busy, not be on her own for long periods of time.

I think your real brave to ask people how to deal with this

good on you!

you can always cha if u want.

[noodle]

can you not simply go visit your mum and then come back to london ? use some sick/vacation time at your job, family emergency.

This is grand advise (aswell as all else that was typed).

I can appreciate the feeling of an obligation to the ones you love.. to make sure they stay happy in life.
Just gotta ask yourself what would be worse for your mental state:

Knowing shit's going bad and not going to try help.
Knowing shit's going bad and go try to help.

Gets into the area of "is there such thing as a selfless act?"

I've decided that there might not be, but there are such things as good selfish acts

Hope you can sort things out man. PM me if you wish. : )

p.s Amy, sorry about the april fools joke. I've cats myself which I love greatly... I've just an odd sense of humor that isn't very funny

[gena]

I agree to all above, some good advice there.

I really think your mum need someone professional to talk to cos it seems to me she's having a crisis. She probably needs help to sort her life out and that's a heavy burden for you to carry, plus that ain't your "job" either so to speak. You have to look after yourself and you can't completely put your life on hold cos that's an even stronger indication that the situation is a bit out of control. You can be there for her in many ways, showing your support and everything, but in the end, she's the one who has to do the hard work to rise from the situation. Try to motivate her, perhaps together with your dad, that she should seek help.