jokes

ifp · Post by **ifp** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:06 am

inspired by stella sesh last night...

a jokes thread.

my one for starters:

whats the difference between white hart lane and a toilet?
WHL has more shits in it...

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:44 am

iris and ray are in the twilight of their life and things had become a bit stale .

to cut a long story short, iris was gagging for it but ray just liked to watch telly. so iris goes to see a sex therapist about spicing things up a bit. the sex therapist recommends role play and dressing up.

so iris gets on a load of wonder woman gear and a cape. she runs down stairs and kicks open the living room door "super pussy" she shouts

"ill have the soup" replied ray.

dj $hy · Post by **dj $hy** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:51 am

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Blair's clock?" Asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office... he's using it as a ceiling fan"

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:06 am

tronman · Post by **tronman** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:10 am

why did the little girl fall off the swing?

cos she didn't have any arms

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:14 am

a change to the earlier programming schedule , sting will no longer be performing at the steve irwin funeral service he will instead be replaced by jimmy nail.

wedge · Post by **wedge** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:17 am

What did the man with the 12 inch penis have for breakfast????

I had a bacon sandwich! Baahaaahaaahaaa!!! no seriously.

luke.envoy · Post by **luke.envoy** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:22 am

q: what do u get when u put a baby in a blender

a: fuckin hard on

[b]racket · Post by **[b]racket** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:26 am

What is E.T. short for?

Because he has got little legs.

juliun_c90 · Post by **juliun_c90** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:43 am

A farmer thinks he's lost some sheep so he asks his dog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to the farmer. "So,"
says the farmer, "how many are there?"

"Forty", says the dog.

"That can't be right", says the farmer. "I only bought thirty-eight"

"I know", says the dog". "I rounded them up!!"

7 below · Post by **7 below** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:13 pm

DJ $hy wrote:A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Blair's clock?" Asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office... he's using it as a ceiling fan"

ha ha ha

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:25 pm

Heather Mills wanted to keep the macartney plane in the settlement , but paul told the bitch to use sandpaper.

bob crunkhouse · Post by **bob crunkhouse** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:31 pm

hhhahaha i havent gotta read any of your jokes, i was the 707 last night and have hopefully won myself some vinyl.

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:00 pm

did you hear the one about the guy that one the records that never turned up?

you will!

bob crunkhouse · Post by **bob crunkhouse** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:07 pm

hahahahahahahah...think u might be right.

hate recordings · Post by **hate recordings** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:30 pm

luke.envoy wrote:q: what do u get when u put a baby in a blender

a: fuckin hard on

awww baby jokes, clever innit?

alrighty then:

q: whats the worst thing about fucking a 12 year old in the shower?
a: when you get thier hair wet, they look like theyre 8.

q: what's the difference between a brick and a 15 year old girl?
a: when youre done laying a brick, it doesnt follow you around for 2 weeks.

oh snap! oldies but goodies. and by goodies, i mean tragic, lol!

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:46 pm

wrongness. HATERAPE!

but if you cant beat em join em!

the woodsman is walking through the haunted wood with little red riding hood and gretel , gretel turns to lil red and says "i dont like these woods , its so scary.!"
"dunno what your worried about " said the woodsman " i have to walk back alone!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOzV9SlyXVQ

metalboxproducts · Post by **metalboxproducts** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:22 pm

I've got a funny feeling this thread will shortly be locked. Personly I don't mind the odd bit of "Fred West's family advice and how to treat children", but you know it doesn't go down to well with some people....

poax · Post by **poax** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:27 pm

the tone has been well and truly lowered........

i am sorry mr.moderator

but they made me do it!!!!

drbluebeat · Post by **drbluebeat** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:55 pm

*raising the bar only very slightly*

q: What do vegetarian worms eat?

a: Linda McCartney!

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