Fuckwit thread

[kentnz]

When I used to live in Christchurch, me and my mate got drunk on cask wine, caught the bus to the base of the port hills, and went tree jumping. This consists of running and supermanning into the tree canopies on the downhill side of the track. Sometimes we would break the tree canopy and smash into rocks or the road. It was quite entertaining for the runners and other people doing conventional exercise. By the time we got to the summit it was pitch black and we had to hitch hike back down to the city, which consisted of jumping in front of cars. By the time we got back to the flat we were drunk as fuck and covered in scraprs, cuts and bruises.

We decided that that wasn't enough. The second time we took two girls with us and went sub-alpine tree jumping in the southern alps. This time i smashed my head on a rock and got knocked out. I recon if I wasn't drunk I would have died for sure due to the rag doll i performed.

Damn near killed myself in Dunedin jumping off a cliff on acid to get a lighter.

Just a month ago I broke my leg falling out of a tree drunk and on pills.

[firky]

i've also lit up a cigarette in a petrol station - proper heart-stopper that one

Garage near my parents is proper old school, they put the petrol in the car for you. The old git who works there usually fills you up with a rollie hanging out of his mouth

[kentnz]

i've also lit up a cigarette in a petrol station - proper heart-stopper that one

Garage near my parents is proper old school, they put the petrol in the car for you. The old git who works there usually fills you up with a rollie hanging out of his mouth

to be fair it would be quite hard to blow up a pump

[firky]

Especially if it's diesel!

[PinUp]

I had an 8th in a tin on my eletric oven at home, turned on the wrong hob and burnt the fuck out of my weed

[scspkr99]

It was done on mythbusters when they tried to recreate some scene from con air when a lit cigarette was flicked into diesel or w/e and failed to ignite despite the fact the floor was flooded with it.

[wub]

It was done on mythbusters when they tried to recreate some scene from con air when a lit cigarette was flicked into diesel or w/e and failed to ignite despite the fact the floor was flooded with it.

Cigarette isn't hot enough to ignite petrol. The moisture will kill the cherry before it gets close.

[scspkr99]

Cigarette isn't hot enough to ignite petrol. The moisture will kill the cherry before it gets close.

yeah which, I think, was the point

[k block]

When i was about 9, i was messing about with one of my mates playing tig outside of the local deep sea den.
He runs round the corner, and i see a sneaky short cut if i duck underneath a monkey bar. I soon learned that my eyesight is not actually the top of my head, and in not ducking enough cracked my head open and made all the other kids in the play area start screaming. 8 stitches and ive still got the scar 11 years later :/

[Raggles]

Just last Saturday night I was on a bus going to a party with some friends and we thought one of them got lost, so I figured I would jump up and try to see if they were on the bus. Turns out that buses aren't that tall and ended up cracking my head on the ceiling.

[firky]

Ordered Need for Speed 2 Unleashed; don't own a joypad

[jazzamataz]

Got high with mates in my living room/kitchen at uni, went to
the toilet, came back to hear them discussing politics in a really
studenty obnoxious way - chatting shit basically... came out with
the comment "fucking stoners..." - walked over to the fridge,
pulled out a pot of nutella, and stuck it in the microwave to warm it
up. What I failed to realise was - it was brand new with a metal seal.
Blew up the microwave...

Cue four people looking at me like i'm a twat and endless calls of
"fucking stoner..."

[firky]

Put a brick in the washing machine

[mVI]

[noam]

i agreed to look for work when i was at the job centre yesterday...

fucking idiot i am...

jesus.

[nousd]

gorgeous waitress asked me to go to Alaska with her
and i asked for fruit salad

nice bloke asked me if i'd help sail a boat to Jamaica
but I was more interested in getting drunk with a woman twice my age

the woman I loved asked me if we should get divorced
and I said: if you think so.

I thought I was getting paid too much
so fought with management to get a pay cut

but being a fuckwit makes life interesting to be sure, to be sure

[unwind]

I always wondered how hot irons got (the type you use to iron your clothes) when I was young, like 6 or 7. Turns out they get really, really fucking hot. Spent the rest of the day with my hand wrapped in cold wet tissue with ice around it.

I've also poured orange juice on my cereal before, as opposed to milk.

Also once when I was about 14/15 me and two mates bought an 8th but we were too scared to take it home in case our parents found it, so we stashed it in a tree up an alley. Went back there 3 days later to find our weed had been eaten by ants or something, there was just bare little holes in the bag. Oh well I'm sure the ants had a fucking good night.

Also did that thing once where you walk along a wall and your mum goes "don't do that you'll fall", so I kept on going and guess what? I fell, split my head open just above my nose. I fell on the corner of the wall so it pretty much literally dented my forehead, blood pissing out everywhere. My sister comes down the steps like a normal person and sees me on the floor tending to my grazed knee and I look up and she starts screaming ITS BLEEDING! ITS BLEEDING! I didn't realise how much it fucking hurt until that point. Not a good feeling having blood drip off the end of your nose and wondering where the fuck is that coming from.

Once me and a mate were with our parents at some modern church where our sisters did ballet lessons (was only about 9 or 10), we were bored so went outside and decided to start throwing stones on the roof. I happened to have the worst throw on earth and so one stone ended up going straight through one of the church windows INTO the ballet lesson that our sisters were in. Unhappy mother.

Fun times.

[firky]

i agreed to look for work when i was at the job centre yesterday...

fucking idiot i am...

jesus.

[hugh]

I went to start my car today, turned the key and a pathetic splutter responded. I looked up and much to my dismay the overhead light was barely on. Fuck.

[wolf89]

My mate got a vaporiser. The bit on it that gets hot is labeled "hot".

I drunkenly go "is it that hot?"

Press by finger hard against it and properly burn it.