Fuckwit thread

[FastWin23]

I always like cooking so I started cooking at the age of 10. When I first use a knife, it really cut me so it left me with a big scar on my finger. I lost so much blood because of that and spent a week on my house. Pretty sad for me...!! But that scar makes me look cool anyway.

[DRTY]

Tried to seperate frozen burgers with a knife whilst pissed. Spent 6hrs in casualty as a result. Still have the scar.

Hahahahahaha. My gf did something similiar to that. I have some seriously sharp Globe kitchen knives and she was pissed and wanted some bacon... there wasn't any bacon, but there was gammon. So her amazingly bright idea was to hold the gammon up sideways and try to thinly slice it. Basically lopped her finger off

[zerbaman]

I know a guy, who once met a guy, who really had been as far as decided to use even go want to do look more like.

[dubloke]

in my house we have a sunroom that has a glass sliding door to it. the door is never closed.
The other day, I thought "fuck, it looks smoky in there!", so I leaned in to take a closer look and smacked my head extremely hard on the glass door -.-

made me laugh

I stuck airwaves chewing gum over my eye lid when I was a kid to try and make a chewing gum cast of my eye. Never been pepper sprayed but I'd say it felt similar

Also touched the middle of a car cigarette lighter because "it didnt look hot." It was. Left me with a coil burn which looked pretty cool

[WhosZena]

At college I got told to clean the engine i.e. put tissue in the spark plug and clean it out.
What I heard was "put tissue in the spark plug"
They started it up.. what the fucks this coming out of the exhaust, zena please dont say you left it in there!!
That day a lot of kitchen jokes were said

[crutch]

When I was about 10 me and my family went to stay with my gran. And my little brother starts having a sneezing fit, like every 30 seconds. We start getting a bit worried so my dad puts his finger up there a pulls out a rolled out leaf... And my brother has no idea why it's there and still to this day doesn't remember putting it there.

[horse]

ate a nicorette patch while drunk.
honest to god thought i would die.

[NickUndercover]

ate a nicorette patch while drunk.
honest to god thought i would die.

oh WOW

[oli90]

I was walking through town with my gf once trying to open a bottle of ginger beer once. She has this little penknife keyring thing so I asked to borrow it to cut through the seal to loosen it, started pushing it against the seal with my thumb, wouldn't cut, so pushed harder. Took me about five seconds to realise the blade was the wrong way round and I was slicing into my thumb.

[firky]

ate a nicorette patch while drunk.
honest to god thought i would die.

You fucking idiot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotine_poisoning

[horse]

ate a nicorette patch while drunk.
honest to god thought i would die.

You fucking idiot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotine_poisoning

fucking hell.


i am a fucking idiot.

[Mr Hyde]

am sure ive done plenty, but the only one i can remember right now is a girlfriend who dropped her phone in a sink full of water- she went straight away to plug it into the charger to 'dry it out'


actually just remembered i once dropped my phone into a pint and spent a few seconds trying to decide if i should down the pint or tip it away before someone suggested i just pull the phone out

[arktrix45hz]

6 years old. Went to Pizza Hut for a friends birthday. Got home, went to bed. Woke up in the morning went downstairs and saw loads of empty cardboard boxes and thought I'd make a Pizza Hut for my friend. I'm 6, I thought it'd be cool...Anyways, the night before my Dad had been installing a new PC and he left his toolbox out in the living room. I went to town and made a fucking awesome Pizza Hut replica with my Dads brand new stanley knife. Then came cutting out the door and this is why your rents tell you not to play with knives...I put my thumb and forefinger of my left hand on the box to steady it, then using my other hand started to cut TOWARDS my left hand. The blade hit a staple in the box, bounced up and I now have a four inch scar between my thumb and forefinger. All I can say is thank FUCK we didn't have carpets or fresh wall paper up at the time!

About four months ago I was driving around and had a Renault Espace up my arse for a good mile. We're talking about 10 feet off my back bumper. I had the brilliant idea of slamming my brakes on so he backed off. Forgot the day before my car had been serviced and the brakes were a LOT better than usual. Resulted in a broken bumper, headlights and crumpled bonnet for him and a tiny, tiny little dent in my boot for me. Seeing as I drive a Fiat Siecento, fuck knows how that happened!

[mVI]

Resulted in a broken bumper, headlights and crumpled bonnet for him and a tiny, tiny little dent in my boot for me. Seeing as I drive a Fiat Siecento, fuck knows how that happened!

My mate wrote off his Seicento by driving into a park car with me in the passenger seat. For a start if he was going any quicker my head would probably be in the glove box as I was bending over picking something off the floor at the time. But his car was completely fucked. Passenger side completely mashed and the wheel basically falling off. The Audi he crashed into barely had a scratch on it

[rliquid]

I've been a fuckwit most of my adult life but what i am cringing over just now is this weekend just passed. I missed work on friday as i got really drunk on thursday night when i was djing (pots and pans doesn't even cut it). So i woke up about 11 and phoned my mate to meet me in the local for a burger and a pint. Burger was shite, pint turned into fuck knows how many??? Cant remember much till about 10pm when i went to see a mate playing in another bar. Got chucked out for being a drunkerd.
Went to the club i dj at made a tit out myself some more.
Went back to a party and took some acid.
Fell asleep.
Woke up tripping with no trousers or boxers on.
Tried to backflip off a small stool on to the ground.
Landed head first making a hole in the floor.
Mates nae happy.
Started fighting with his Mrs.
Put her through a shower door.
Mates nae happy.
She kicked the fuck out of me and stubbed cigarettes out all over my body
I'm nae happy.
Been in bed til this morning and have come in to work like a scabby hobo.

fuck

LOL, that has to be bullshit?

[dubmatters]

Was out with my parents and another family one sunday. As there are quite a few of us the kids (3 of us ) had to sit in the boot. Car drives up steep hill boot opens 3 children fall out onto the road.

I cried like a little girl.

This was back in 1995 though.

[Ennayess]

I've been a fuckwit most of my adult life but what i am cringing over just now is this weekend just passed. I missed work on friday as i got really drunk on thursday night when i was djing (pots and pans doesn't even cut it). So i woke up about 11 and phoned my mate to meet me in the local for a burger and a pint. Burger was shite, pint turned into fuck knows how many??? Cant remember much till about 10pm when i went to see a mate playing in another bar. Got chucked out for being a drunkerd.
Went to the club i dj at made a tit out myself some more.
Went back to a party and took some acid.
Fell asleep.
Woke up tripping with no trousers or boxers on.
Tried to backflip off a small stool on to the ground.
Landed head first making a hole in the floor.
Mates nae happy.
Started fighting with his Mrs.
Put her through a shower door.
Mates nae happy.
She kicked the fuck out of me and stubbed cigarettes out all over my body
I'm nae happy.
Been in bed til this morning and have come in to work like a scabby hobo.

fuck

LOL, that has to be bullshit?

I fucking wish. I was worse this weekend. Time to stop the sauce i think.

[ashley]

Or the acid.