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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:19 am
by NilsFG
Piston wrote:NilsFG wrote:Piston wrote:i once got caught raping
by raping i mean with shit on my fingers after i fingered my own arsehole
Firs thing that made me laugh
Mighty thread but internet made my laughing gland smaller.
Ok embarrassing moment... I was gone swimming once, and they had this really strange toilets.They were very small, very low to the ground, you couldn't even sit on them.
But I really needed to shit so I thought, fuck this I'm just gonna crouch and poop.
So this massive turd comes out, I wipe my arse, look behind me and I see my turd dropped next to the toilet and left a good mark on the toilet.
I didn't clean up though
you are classy man
Their punishment for making crappy toilets
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:20 am
by Pada
NilsFG wrote: they had this really strange toilets.They were very small, very low to the ground, you couldn't even sit on them.
You sure you weren't in a nursery?
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:21 am
by NilsFG
adisize wrote:NilsFG wrote: they had this really strange toilets.They were very small, very low to the ground, you couldn't even sit on them.
You sure you weren't in a nursery?
100%
It was too small to be a nursery and you could flush them (the toilets that is).
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:02 am
by magma
When I was about 6 I thought it would be a really good idea to burp in my friend Chris' face. I'd just worked out how to burp on command and was pretty proud of myself. I called him over saying I had a secret to tell him and proceeded to cover his entire face in semi digested jam sandwiches.
Got to go home for the afternoon at least!
A mate of mine had a brilliant one when we'd just started working. I was going up to Dundee to see a mate of ours at uni and he decided to come at the last minute, so needed to throw a sicky. A few years ago, I'd bruised my coccyx snowboarding and for some reason, James decided that was the best excuse to use... he'd bruised his coccyx on a dry ski slope so couldn't come in until Monday.
"Hi, yeah, I'm afraid I can't come in today as I've bruised my cervix"
I've never tried to grab the words coming out of someone else's mouth before.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:02 pm
by Ham
NilsFG wrote:Mighty thread but internet made my laughing gland smaller.
No shit. Soemone else.
Its long innit. I see all these things that I know in my head are fuckign hilarious but they just make me smile. Its well hard for me to crease myself to death anymore
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:24 pm
by missedthebus
sonar wrote:why do all of these involve poo or man juice?
so i was walking home from school and reallly needed a shit, you know like so much that you have to walk funny to keep it from surfacing. got home, forgot my key. fuckk! no one was going to be in for ages and i dont think i had a mobile back then. How long can i last? I then decide i have 2 options: 1. SHIT MYSELF or 2. go in the garden somewhere.
So i live in a normal neighbour hood houses over looking the garden and stuff. The most sheltered spot was behind this big bush thing so i walk over to it, look at the spot where i am potentially going to drop the kids off. Literally just dropped my kegs and am squatting behind this bush when i look over and see my neighbour looking at me over the fence.
Luckily i grabbed a football that was back there and threw it out onto the lawn then stagged out, 'just getting this ball'. So yeah, could have been worse if i saw him a few seconds later when i was in mid-shit. But he knew, what i was up to, oh he knew alright.
Reminds me of Friday
" Hey Smokeys taking a shit!"
http://video.clipta.com/smokey_taking_a ... c981f93fe0
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:28 pm
by ashen
When I was 17, a mate of mine had the good sense to come round to my house unannounced whilst I was in the process of losing my virginity.
The good lady and I were too far gone just to stop, so I shouted "Dont come in, Oli" as he was making his way up the stairs......
At least, thats how I imagined it would come out. Unfortunately, I decided to cum at the precise moment I opened my mouth, leading me to shout "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHNNNNN" directly into Emma's face.
not my finest hour.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:29 pm
by BNanni
Ashen wrote:When I was 17, a mate of mine had the good sense to come round to my house unannounced whilst I was in the process of losing my virginity.
The good lady and I were too far gone just to stop, so I shouted "Dont come in, Oli" as he was making his way up the stairs......
At least, thats how I imagined it would come out. Unfortunately, I decided to cum at the precise moment I opened my mouth, leading me to shout "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHNNNNN" directly into Emma's face.
not my finest hour.
The mental image of this had me in fits of laughter.
Tears and all
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:30 pm
by Ham
Oh my god thats fucking magic.
Seriously.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:46 pm
by BNanni
Ashen wrote:When I was 17, a mate of mine had the good sense to come round to my house unannounced whilst I was in the process of losing my virginity.
The good lady and I were too far gone just to stop, so I shouted "Dont come in, Oli" as he was making his way up the stairs......
At least, thats how I imagined it would come out. Unfortunately, I decided to cum at the precise moment I opened my mouth, leading me to shout "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHNNNNN" directly into Emma's face.
not my finest hour.
Sorry I just read this to my mum and dad.
They were in histerics!
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:52 pm
by magma
Ashen wrote:When I was 17, a mate of mine had the good sense to come round to my house unannounced whilst I was in the process of losing my virginity.
The good lady and I were too far gone just to stop, so I shouted "Dont come in, Oli" as he was making his way up the stairs......
At least, thats how I imagined it would come out. Unfortunately, I decided to cum at the precise moment I opened my mouth, leading me to shout "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHNNNNN" directly into Emma's face.
not my finest hour.
Superb!
This thread led to me having a bit of a 'situation' last night. For those not in the know, I basically live in Hollyoaks. I live in a shared house with my ex-girlfriend (we moved in when we were together, neither of us want to leave the place because it's too awesome), my best mate, my new girlfriend and my ex's new boyfriend. We get on surprisingly well despite all that...
Anyway, last night I was sat having dinner chatting to Nik (the only one not involved in the 'situation') about this thread. Started reeling off a couple of the stories and he asks what I'd said, so I told him the story about getting walked in on going down on my ex (yup, it was the one I still live with)..... it was only when we were in fits of giggles that we realised my ex and her new bloke were both standing within earshot. Luckily my lady was out!
They haven't said a word to me since....
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:02 pm
by Ham
Ohhh magma man. That sounds uncomfortable.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:09 pm
by deamonds
Magma wrote:For those not in the know, I basically live in Hollyoaks.
that was the best bit though lol
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:23 pm
by dark ambience
Ashen wrote:When I was 17, a mate of mine had the good sense to come round to my house unannounced whilst I was in the process of losing my virginity.
The good lady and I were too far gone just to stop, so I shouted "Dont come in, Oli" as he was making his way up the stairs......
At least, thats how I imagined it would come out. Unfortunately, I decided to cum at the precise moment I opened my mouth, leading me to shout "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHNNNNN" directly into Emma's face.
not my finest hour.
You made my day...no shit you made my week top story xD just the imagination of you shouting 'DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHNNNN' lol made me crease.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:22 pm
by ::g-sus::
NilsFG wrote:adisize wrote:NilsFG wrote: they had this really strange toilets.They were very small, very low to the ground, you couldn't even sit on them.
You sure you weren't in a nursery?
100%
It was too small to be a nursery and you could flush them (the toilets that is).
Public toilets in Japan
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:37 pm
by diss04
I see Quentin Tarantino outside a pub in Soho last week and I am a MASSIVE Tarantino fan.
I managed to steady myself and walk over and said (in a shaky voice) "Quentin? I'm a massive fan..." there was a pause. The pause kept going for about 10 seconds and he said "Oh cool. Nice to meet you, man" and I just stood there looking at him waiting for something to come out my mouth... but nothing came. Just hot air. I was like "oh come on!" at myself (in my head - I'm not fucking MAD). He looked bemused and I was just embarrassed and I slipped off to find a place to cry.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:42 pm
by Ham
Diss04 wrote:I see Quentin Tarantino outside a pub in Soho last week and I am a MASSIVE Tarantino fan.
I managed to steady myself and walk over and said (in a shaky voice) "Quentin? I'm a massive fan..." there was a pause. The pause kept going for about 10 seconds and he said "Oh cool. Nice to meet you, man" and I just stood there looking at him waiting for something to come out my mouth... but nothing came. Just hot air. I was like "oh come on!" at myself (in my head - I'm not fucking MAD). He looked bemused and I was just embarrassed and I slipped off to find a place to fap rampantly.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:45 pm
by faust.dtc
Ham wrote:Diss04 wrote:I see Quentin Tarantino outside a pub in Soho last week and I am a MASSIVE Tarantino fan.
I managed to steady myself and walk over and said (in a shaky voice) "Quentin? I'm a massive fan..." there was a pause. The pause kept going for about 10 seconds and he said "Oh cool. Nice to meet you, man" and I just stood there looking at him waiting for something to come out my mouth... but nothing came. Just hot air. I was like "oh come on!" at myself (in my head - I'm not fucking MAD). He looked bemused and I was just embarrassed and I slipped off to find a place to fap rampantly.
Cant wait to see the movie version of this with Samuel L Jackson...
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:47 pm
by diss04
shit did I actually type that?
embarrassing...
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:01 pm
by firky
